Confessions of a Broken Mind
by IndieGothGirl
Summary: After hitting Heaton Mickey goes on a downward spiral can Jack help him see a way through once more. Told entirly from Mickey's POV. Please R n R. Rating may change as story progresses.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters belong to The Bill.

**Confessions of a Broken Mind**

**By IndieGothGirl**

Prologue

I know I shouldn't have hit him. It was wrong really; I know but I couldn't help it. It just made me so angry to know that it was _him _that Mia had been sleeping with. If it had been anyone else then maybe I wouldn't have been so impulsive. I know I should have tired more to win Mia back after I discovered she was seeing someone else but then how could have I competed with my own boss when he is a sophisticated Superintendent and all I am is weak and dirty? That's why she turned away from me in the end; that's why Liz turned away from me too; not because she was corrupt but because she, like Mia, knew my terrible secret; the one that makes me feel ashamed and not normal all of the time. The one that I can never tell another woman that I become to close to again in case she turns away from me too; I was raped.

Chapter 1

'Morning; rise and shine, listeners, this is Edie Charmaine here on Radio Haven 98.6 on this fabulously sunny, Monday morning-'

Oh bloody brilliant; just what I need a cheesy and over-excited radio DJ first thing on a Monday morning; especially this one.

'-and here is Simon Parks with the 8 o' clock news.'

8 o' clock?! Shit I should have been up half an hour ago!

Wearingly I drag myself out of bed; although I wish I could stay there and just dream the day, or even my shitty life, away. No such luck off to work I go I'm not looking forward to going to work today.

So what, I hear you cry, lots of people hate going to work; hate their jobs but for me it's a bit different. I like my job; in fact I love my job it's just that being in that place fills me with fear and paranoia. I know most of the people that were there when _it _happened have left now but still I can't help feeling that the ones that remain, like Sam, Phil and Smithy sometimes treat me different particularly if a rape case comes in; especially Smithy for he was the one that found me in the warehouse. He was the one that _saw_ what Delaney had done to me.

Today though there is something else that is bothering me; Jack says that I should leave it; says that I was lucky he was able to save me from being sacked by Heaton for hitting him but I can't leave it; I need to speak to Mia; need to find out why she chose to sleep with my superintendent. Was it something I had done? Or had she just got bored with our relationship? I need to know; need the answers.

As soon as I get through the doors of Sun Hill Police Station, my place of work, Smithy calls out to me:

'Oi Mickey the DCI wants to see you!'

'Why?'

'Dunno 'e just told me to tell yer that 'e wanted to see yer when yer came in.'

'Fanks. I'll go see 'im now.'

As I make my way up the stairs towards CID and both the DI's and DCI's office it doesn't take much to figure out what Jack wants. He's going to try and talk me out of asking Mia why she slept with Heaton. Suddenly I am at the top of the stairs. I knock on Jack's office door.

'Come in,' his loud Yorkshire voice booms out.

'Smithy said you wanted to see me, guv?' I ask hoping, for some strange reason, that Smithy was wrong.

'Yes I do,' confirmed Jack, he sighs, shifts in his chair a little then says; 'Look Mickey I don't think you should confront Mia-'

I knew you where going say that, Jack, I know you too well.

'-I mean what if you don't like what she says are you going to punch Heaton again? I was lucky enough to have saved you from being sacked last time I doubt I'd be able to save you a second time.'

'I thought you knew me better than that, guv,' I scorn.

'I do I just don't want you upsetting Heaton again.'

'I won't. Its just I _need _to know the truth about why she slept with 'im, Jack, you understand that, don't you?'

To my surprise he shakes his head.

'I don't see what there is to understand, Mickey, she cheated on you with Heaton; she hurt you and, as far as I am concerned, she no longer has a place in this nick. By this afternoon she'll be gone and you can get on with your life.'

'Look Jack,' it's my turn to sigh now, 'as much as I want to I can't just let 'er go; not without knowing why she did it.' There are tears building up in my eyes; I can feel them. I blink a few minutes; forcing them back. 'I need to know if the reason she slept with 'im is because I told 'er about Delaney and what 'e did to me.'

'What has that got to do with it, Mickey?'

'I dunno maybe she couldn't handle it. Maybe she thought I was dirty an' weak and she wanted someone who wasn't.'

'Don't be silly, Mickey! You know yourself from being in here that there are plenty of rape victims who come into this station whose partners are understanding and supportive of them and what has been done to them.'

'Yeah female victims,' I muttered bitterly. Its not that I have anything against female rape victims it's just that everyone expects a man to be more able to defend himself from being over-powered by another man easier than a woman is expected to and that when you tell people you are a male rape victim they look at you with pity and _disgust_. I hate it every time.

'Come on, Mickey, you know that they are plenty of male victims of rape whose partners are caring and supportive.'

'Yeah well I'm beginning to see a connection 'ere, Jack,' I yell. I'm angry now. Why can't Jack see this the way I see it? Probably because he's never had to explain to a girlfriend that he was raped a few years ago.

'What do you mean?' I can see from the puzzled look on his face that he is clearly confused.

'Well fink about it. First I told Liz and then Mia. Both of them have betrayed me, Jack, just in different ways. Liz wasn't corrupt until _after _I told 'er about Delaney and now Mia has cheated with me _after _I told her about Delaney. Don't you see the connection, Jack?'

He sighs; 'I think your reading too much into this, Mickey.'

'What makes you fink that?' I ask.

'Look what happened with Liz is totally different to what's happening now with Mia. Yes, I admit, both women have betrayed you but it was two different kinds of betrayal; Liz was a good cop who cared a lot about you; you wouldn't have asked her to marry you otherwise. She just happened to have got herself in too deep with a gangster whereas Mia slept with one of your superiors. Yes both things are unfortunate but it is purely coincidental that both these events occurred _after _you told both women about your rape.'

You're a good friend to me, Jack, always have been and I wish I could believe that but I can't. I _need _to find out the truth as to why she slept with Heaton from Mia before she leaves Sun Hill for good.

'Look, Jack,' I'm finding myself saying, 'I'm gonna speak to Mia 'cos I _have _to find out what 'appened an' why; whether you like that or not.'

He makes no reply and so I leave the office to plan how I am going to bring up the subject with Mia.

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It is late afternoon now and I'm standing outside in the staff car park, have been for a good half an hour, waiting for Mia to come out of the nick so that I can confront her with the issue at hand; why she slept with Superintendent Heaton while she was still in a relationship with me?

I've spent all day, since leaving Jack's office this morning, trying to work out how I was going to bring it up after all I couldn't exactly go; 'hey Mia why did you sleep with Heaton, was I not good enough for you or do you like having a bit on the side?' By lunch I decided that it's best to be upfront and honest about how I feel. Oh well here she comes; it's now or never.

'Mia, Mia, wait up!' I call.

She turns round to see who is calling her but then immediately turns back when she realises it's me.

'Please Mia; don't ignore me I only want to talk to you before you go.'

She turns round again and we look each other in the eyes; blue into brown. There's a good five minutes silence. Now I'm stood here, face to face with her, I seem to have lost my bottle; my idea of being honest and upfront about how I feel with her seems to have gone out of the window. Suddenly she breaks the silence by saying:

'Well you wanted to talk so talk already!'

I can tell by the sharpness in the tone of her voice that she is angry and upset. It just makes me more unnerved.

'Erm…well… er… how are you?'

Lame, Mickey, real lame. You know how she is. She's just lost her job for fucks sake.

'HOW AM I?!' she yells, 'I've just lost my job because your DCI doesn't like the thought of anyone hurting or upsetting his precious Mickey-boy. How the bloody hells do you think I am?'

She turns her back and begins to walk away.

'Mia, please wait, I know you're angry at having lost your job, hell anyone would be, but I need to know this one fing. Why did you cheat on me with 'Eaton; was it 'cos I cheated on you with Steph that time?'

'No, Mickey, I forgave you for that, remember, besides two wrongs don't make a right. Being a police officer you of all people should know that.'

She's got me there.

'Well what then?'

'I don't know. It was like he needed my comfort and support because he was frightened for what Ray Moore would do to his family now he had returned to the area.'

'So what? It was like Ray Moore returns to Sun 'Ill so you an' Heaton decide to have a little fumble in the bedroom?'

'No, Mickey, it wasn't like that! The first kiss happened after the whole incident of Annie, Moore's daughter, threatening that little boy, who stole her bike, with a gun; after which Heaton became convinced that Moore was responsible for Paddy Morgan's death and that the gun Annie had being the murder weapon. That first kiss between me and Heaton; it wasn't supposed to happen.'

'So why did it?' I scorn.

'I don't it just did; but I didn't want to pursue it any further at first.'

'So what made you change your mind?'

'Heaton needed someone to comfort and love him; now that it was over between him and his wife, Rhiannon, and I was the only one there was to turn to so I let the affair carry on; knowing that all the time I was with Heaton I was hurting you and that one day you'd find out.'

'So why didn't you end it? We could've continued on like before. We were good together, Mia.'

'I know, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't seem to stop myself from being more and more drawn to Heaton especially as recently he has been comforting me through some personal issues.'

'Personal issues?! What sort of personal issues? 'E knows, doesn't 'e? You told 'im about me an' Delaney and what 'e did to me?'

'No, Mickey, I didn't; I wouldn't! That is something that is personal to you; only you have the right to tell people about that.'

'You bitch! You told 'im about me. Now 'e's gonna 'ave even less respect for me.'

'No, he'll even less respect for you because you punched him in the face; not because he knows you were raped because I swear to you he does _not _know about your rape, I promise.'

I don't believe her; not one single word. How can I believe her when she has betrayed me like this?

'Honestly, Mickey, I didn't tell Heaton about your rape. All I confided in him was that you wouldn't talk to me about me sleeping with someone else; wouldn't let me explain it.'

'Well we're talking now, ain't we?' I snap.

Cue a long, protracted, silence. I can feel the tension between us. At length Mia says:

'Besides if Heaton did know about your rape you have nothing to be ashamed about, I told you that before; Delaney is the one who should be ashamed not you.'

She reaches out to touch me; to comfort me but I flinch away. Don't want her to touch me with her lies and her poison.

'I never meant to hurt you, Mickey,' she says softly.

'Just go!' I snort, contemptuously, 'just go, Mia Perry, and never come back!'

With that I turn my back on her and start walking away; so that she cannot the tears that are now streaming down my face.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Dirty so, so dirty I just need to get home and scrub the dirt away. Damn why are the traffic queues in London so long? No wonder so many people choose to use the tube or the bus instead. Come on get a move on!!!

Now, an half an hour later, I'm home and I'm in the shower scrubbing that nasty, horrible, dirt away. Got to keep scrubbing until it's all gone; after all this is why both Mia and Liz betrayed me; because I am dirty; so disgusting. I scrub and scrub so hard until my body is red raw then at last I feel clean once again so I get out of the shower and dry myself off, put on some clean underwear and pyjama bottoms; its too warm to be wearing a pyjama top then I flop down on the sofa and watch whatever mindless trash that's on the telly; in a desperate attempt to take my mind off Mia and Heaton and Delaney and the fact that I haven't eaten since Saturday. My stomach maybe rumbling, horrendously, but there is no point in eating; eating is for normal people and I'm not normal; haven't been since Delaney and the rape. Finally, weary and exhausted by the day's events, I fall into a deep sleep upon the sofa.

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I am awake and ready for work on time this morning and, despite everything that went on yesterday, I feel in a rather joyous mood as I fight my way through the notorious London traffic jams perhaps it's because I didn't have a nightmare about Delaney last night for the first time in a long time.

As I walk through the doors of Sun Hill police station I am whistling a happy tune and take the steps two at a time as I make my way up to CID; not really watching where I am going when suddenly I bump into Superintendent Heaton quite by accident, I assure you, but still not good; not good at all.

'Sorrysirdidn'tmeantobumpintoyouitwasatotalaccidentIassureyou,' I blurt out, hurriedly; which means that what I said was totally incomprehensible, of course.

'In English please, DC Webb, I'm afraid my Double Dutch is rather rusty,' he replies, sarcastically; pompous twat!

'I said: sorry sir I didn't mean to bump into you; it was total accident I assure you.'

'Yes well; if you concentrated more on watching where you were going, DC Webb, you wouldn't bump into people, would you?'

'No, sir,' I reply.

Heaton straightens his shirt sleeves then says:

'Well don't just stand there, DC Webb, there's work to be done; criminals don't just arrest themselves you know!'

'Yes, sir.'

With that I make my way into CID while Heaton just stands there looking smug. Smarmy bastard I bet he just sees his response to that little mishap as him getting his own back for me hitting him. Boy I hate him!

Nothing much seems to happening, this morning, at work. A couple of interesting cases came in, earlier, but they were mainly assigned to Kezia (who although still only a trainee DC, is finding herself with more and more cases on her hands now that Phil has been demoted back down to uniform) and her partner for the day; DS Stuart Turner or Jo and Terry, who seem to have struck up a good partnership. Anyway those four get the good the stuff and I am stuck with the boring shit; the bloody paperwork. I wonder if this is Heaton's doing; his way of trying to keep me in line. Don't be bloody ridiculous, Mickey! But still I can't help wondering.

Suddenly someone touches my shoulder. I flinch back, my heart racing, as I prepare to fight off my potential attacker. You're not going to do _it _to me this time, Delaney, before looking up and seeing DI Sam Nixon standing above me and realising it was she who tapped me on the shoulder.

'Didn't you here me calling you, Mickey?' I hear her husky voice say.

'Sorry, guv, kinda lost in my own world there,' I reply; still shaking, inwardly, from the touch.

'We've got a shout. Uniform has found a young man lying dead in an alleyway behind a nightclub called Starlight.

I follow Sam out into the forecourt and into her car; finally relived to be given something interesting to do today. The ride over to the Starlight nightclub is quick and before long we are being briefed by PCs Diana Noble and Leela Kapoor on what has happened:

'The victim's name is Callum Jones,' begins Diana, 'he was a student in the University of London.'

'Apparently,' continues Leela, 'one of the nightclub employees, Mr. Graham Brown, taking out some of the trash from last night to the bins in the alleyway when he discovered Mr. Jones' body lying naked, face down, on the floor so he contacted the police.'

'So what do you make of it?' Sam asks.

'I think it might have been a murder, guv,' pips up Leela, quickly, 'there's marks on the body that suggest Mr. Jones had been struggling with someone prior to his death.'

'Come on then, Mickey,' Sam says, 'let's check it out.'

Curiously I lead the way into the alley. There is the usual alley smell of old rubbish about the place, which gets right up your nose so that you feel like your going to be sick. I gently make my way down the alley to the bins (where the body was found.) The smell of the rubbish is totally over-powering now and I almost back out of the alley because of it. It is then that I find myself confronted with the body; lying naked and, face down, on the floor just as Leela had said. It smells almost as bad as the rubbish in the bins! I call out to Sam:

'Sam over 'ere I've found 'im!'

No sooner have I spoke then Sam comes rushing in.

'Nice work, Mickey.'

We then both inspect the body. There is a gash on the forehead but it is the ropes around the arms and tied behind the young men's back; keeping his arms tied together that drew my attention. Just looking at them reminds me of the ropes Delaney used to tie me to the bench in the warehouse just before he… I shake the memory away but as I do a rather morbid thought springs up in my mind: this guy is lying naked; his arms tied together so that he cannot move them it is possible that he has been raped as well as I murdered. Slowly I lower my eyes down the body to the buttocks. There's dried blood coming out of the buttocks and streaking its way down the legs. My stomach lurches sickly; just as I suspected the man has been raped.

Suddenly I can't breathe. Panic floods my chest and I find myself needing to get out of there; away from that awful sight. Sam notices the terrified expression on my face and looks puzzled then she notices the blood streaking down both of the victim's legs from the crack in the buttocks.

'Well it looks like we've got a male rape on our hands as well as a murder.'

Then she realises whom she is talking to and immediately says:

'Oh Mickey! I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you I just forgot, for a moment there, that you were a victim of male rape too.'

She looks up at me then and I can see the pity in her eyes and I hate it just as much as I hate being referred to as a victim. I say nothing and just look away, uncomfortably.

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The journey back to Sun Hill is awful. We both sit in silence; neither knowing what to say to the other. I try not to look at Sam but every time I do I can still see the look of pity and sorrow in her eyes. Good dam it! I just wish those that knew about what Delaney did to me would treat me as normal instead of treating me differently; always aware of my presence when a rape case comes in which is why I've got to see the DCI before Sam does in case she decides to have me taken off the case.

When we get back to Sun Hill I make my excuses to Sam without her getting suspicious which ain't easy believe me! Then head off to the DCI's office.

'Mickey. What can I do for you?' asks Jack when I enter his office.

I take a deep breath, exhale, and then say:

'Sam and I 'ave been investigating a case this morning; a guy called Callum Jones. 'E was murdered an' he was…he was…'

'He was what, Mickey?'

I choke back the words and tilt my head to stop the tears that are threatening to fall down my face from falling then say:

''E was raped, Jack. Male rape an' I'm worried that DI Nixon will 'ave me taking off the case.'

'You know I'd never let that happen provided, of course, you feel up to it.'

'I _do _feel up to it, guv, besides I'm sick of everyone that knows about my rape treating me differently.'

'You know people don't do that really, Mickey,' Jack says.

But I know he's wrong. Those that know _do _treat me differently. Why can't Jack see that? Probably because he has never been raped. I'm trying to remember that Jack is doing his best to try and understand what happened me and how, even after all this time, it still affects me strongly but sometimes I feel so isolated from Jack and everyone else in this place because none of them _really _understand how the rape made me feel and still, after all this time, makes me feel no matter how much they try.

'Ok, Mickey,' Jack says, suddenly, breaking in on my thoughts, 'if you feel up to the case you can stay on it but if, at any point, your finding it difficult I want you to let me know and I'll find you something less "emotional" to deal with.'

'Yes, guv,' I reply, meekly. I can handle it; I know I can.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Got to get clean. Got all this dirt off of me and just be clean, clean, and clean. Being clean will make everything good again; I'll be strong again not weak like am now. I like being strong.

Its evening once more and am in the shower again getting myself clean because I am dirty and weak. I scrub myself harder and harder, using everything I can find; soap, shampoo even bleach from under the kitchen skin! I'm desperately trying to get rid off the dirt until my hands bleed. The blood trickles down my hand, meandering its way down my arms like a rather making its way to the sea. I stare at it fascinated but don't try to clean it up. I didn't realise how easy it was to get this clean!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I hurriedly rush up the doors to CID; hoping no one will notice my bandaged hands. I had to bandage them up last night because they were in such a state from the blood that I'd be ashamed to let anyone see them.

Thankfully I manage to make up to CID and my desk without anyone noticing until:

'Mickey there you are!'

I turn round to see it is Sam who has spoken:

'Wot's the matter, guv?' I ask.

'Leela and Diane have discovered a possible suspect in the male rape/murder case on the CCTV footage.'

I bolt upright; suddenly intrigued to the fact that the case might be moving forward at last. As I do so the sleeves of my jumper fall down revealing my bandages arms. Sam instantly notices them.

'That looks nasty,' she says, turning the bandaged arms over in her hands.

'It's nuffin,' I snap, pulling my arm away.

'Suit yourself,' she shrugs.

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'See this is our victim,' Leela says, pointing to the tv screen, 'and he's just leaving the nightclub when he is grabbed from behind by an IC1 male with black hair and dragged into the alley where he was murdered.'

In the next moment there is a knock at the door. Seeing that Sam is still engrossed with what is on the tv screen I decide to answer the door. I find Smithy standing there.

'Wot is it?' I ask.

'The post-mortem results are back,' Smithy announces, 'seems Mr. Jones _was_ raped as well as murdered.'

I close my eyes: I feel sorry for that poor young man he must have felt so afraid and alone while it was happening and yet in another way I envy him because he will never have to deal with all the pain and he hurt that builds up and up once the attack is over and just never, ever, seems to go away. Suddenly Smithy touches my arm and I flinch.

'You alroight, Mickey?' he asks, concern clearly shown on his face

'Yeah,' I reply even though I probably don't look it. 'I'll er… give Sam the post-mortem results.'

'Thanks,' he says as she hands the results over then he leaves.

Phew! Glad that awkward moment is over with just Sam's reaction to deal with now. I turn round and for a few moments feel confident. That all rapidly disappears the moment I give her the results.

She takes one look at them and then one look at me and then says:

'I guess that pretty much confirms what we both suspected then.'

Yeah I guess so

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Its evening once more and I am just about to get in the shower as usual. This time I'm not just thinking about getting clean I'm reflecting upon today's events: the CCTV footage, the port-mortem results confirming what I was dreading and Sam's suspicious looks when she saw my bandaged arms. My mind suddenly wonders back to my thoughts when I first saw the post-mortem results; how I had sympathy for the nightclub victim but then at the same time envied him too because he would not have to endure the psychological pain that rape leaves his victims with; the psychological pain that I was still forced to endure day in day out even after all this time. All this different things I tried, counselling, refusing to eat properly, the sex with all the different women, I'd even been to a support group for male rape victims and had listened intently and other victims had given their stories and one time I was even strong enough to tell my own and finally the whole cleaning myself, religiously, in shower every night. Not one of these things had worked; the pain and the feelings of shame and dirtiness where still there. Then it hits me. There was only one way to make those feelings go away.

Still fully clothed I make my way to the kitchen and opened the drawer which held my cutlery and rake around until I find what I am looking for: a butcher's knife. God knows why I have the bloody thing because I'd never actually used it before.

I feel the adrenalin rushing through my veins as I pull the knife out of the drawer. Its long, sharp, clean, blade calling out to me, drawing me near to it; daring me to touch it. Without a second thought I plunged the knife deep into my stomach and am surprised at how easily it tears through my clothes. Then I pull it out again as I tumble to the floor. I look at the blade. It isn't clean anymore it is covered in blood; my blood and there is a strong pain in my stomach.

Time passes and with each moment that it does I feel weaker and weaker. I find the pain in my stomach has gone and I for the first time in years I feel calm, no more desires. I'm too weak to move and know that I'm going to die where I lie but that's ok that's what I want to die alone and free from pain. Suddenly I hear a knock on the door and what I am sure is someone calling my name but I am too weak to know for certain or even care. I close my eyes.

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When I next open them I see, although blurrily at first, a familiar face; full of concern looking down at me.

'Jack,' I manage to gasp out.

'MICKEY WHAT THE BLOOY HELL HAVE YOU DONE?' he yells. I've never heard him so stressed and worried before. He is the most calm guy I know even in high-pressure situations he is as calm as a butterfly on a stone.

The darkness is getting closer and closer I can feel it coming down for me; enveloping me. There's only one for thing to say; one more thing to get out of the open before it's too late.

'Jack…'

'Yeah?'

I can feel him holding me close; and despite everything I wanted before I'm happy not to be actually dying alone.

'Jack…. I love you.'

Then I close my eyes for one last time.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Suddenly I finding myself floating through the clouds, soaring and circling, with wings outstretched as though I was a bird. I chance a glance down at the Earth. Now that I am dead I find I can see it for what it truly is: a giant rock, spinning on its axis, in a vast galaxy of stars and planets whose most intelligent inhibitions are a race consumed by corruption and greed, war and hatred, pain and suffering. I can look at it no more.

Suddenly I can see Kate, Conway and all the other people whom I had known and loved in life and who had died before me surrounding me on either side, guiding me upwards. There is no stopping. No descending; just onwards and upwards.

Then I see her….

….my own mother!! She is exactly as I remember her, with her strawberry blonde hair just like mine and her sweet, motherly, smile. Suddenly she steps forward and embraces me.

When I was alive I always thought that the dead where beings without substance that could not feel sensations. Now that I am dead I find that is not true as I can feel my mother holding me close to her; feel her fingers running through my hair just like she used to do when I needed comforting as a kid.

'Mickey,' she says pulling away from our embrace, 'what are you doing here?'

'I died, mum,' I say, simply. 'Oh mum! I've missed you so much! So much has 'appened to me since you died and I don't even know 'ow to tell you about them; don't have the words to explain what 'appened; what 'e did to me; doesn't matter, anyway, because you'd be so ashamed an' embarrassed if you knew but I did try to stop 'im, mum, I begged and pleaded with 'im not to do it but 'e didn't an' 'e was so strong an' he had me tied up, mum, that I couldn't shake 'im off. He just keep on touching me and taking everything that I 'ad from me an' it hurt so much, mum!'

'Ssh! I know, Mickey, I know.'

'You know?! How?'

'I've been watching you, Mickey; everyday since I died I've been watching you. I saw what that evil Delaney did to you that night in that warehouse. I longed to help you, Mickey, longed to stop him doing that to you but I couldn't. All I could do is watch as that wicked man hurt my baby.'

Once again she holds me close to her and I can feel the motherly love she has for me flowing from her into me. We stay like this for five minutes then, out of the blue, she says:

'Mickey you have to go back.'

'What?!'

'Listen to me, Mickey, you have to go back,' she said, getting a little stern with me just like she used to when I refusing to behave as a kid.

'Why?' I ask. I don't want to go back all I had in life was pain and suffering why would I want to go back to that!!

'Everyone has their time,' she answers, 'and this is not yours, Mickey. You shouldn't have tried to take your life when it wasn't your time to come here. Go back, son, and always know that I love you and that we will meet again when it's your time.'

Suddenly the whole scene began to crumble and I feel myself plummeting through the clouds at frightening speed.

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Groaning and twisting and turning with the shock of returning to earth I slowly open my eyes and once again see Jack standing above me.

'Thank goodness you're awake!' he cries, 'don't you ever give me a fright like that again!'

I feel dazed and confused and ask:

'Where…where am I?

'In the St. Hughes,' replies Jack. 'Do you remember what happened?'

'Only that I wanted to end my life an' that I tried to do it with a knife an' that you were there. Wait a minute… 'ow'd you get there?'

'Sam came to see me after you'd gone home. She noticed your bandaged hands and was worried about you so she came to see me.'

'Why couldn't she 'ave kept out of it. I told 'er it was nuffin'. Why can't she an' everyone else keep out of my life? They don't know nuffin' about what I've been through these last few years.'

'They are police officers, Mickey; it's their job to understand rape victims and what they go through.'

'Yer the cold 'ard facts, maybe, but not the emotional trauma that rape leaves its victims with, even long after the attack itself is over. They 'ave no idea what that's like an' neither do you,' I snap back suddenly feeling angry even though I don't know why. None of this is Jack's fault and I shouldn't be taken it out on him.

'Your right, Mickey, I don't know what it's like for you, emotionally, but I am willing to listen and to try to understand what goes through your mind because of your rape.'

I say nothing and we both sit in silence for a while and then I realise that Jack hasn't answered my question:

'You 'aven't answered my question, guv, 'ow'd you get to my 'ouse.'

'Well after Sam came to see me I was worried about you and, knowing that you'd already gone home, I decided to go round and see if you were ok. I knocked on the door but no one answered so I called out your name; still no answer and some instinct was telling me that you hadn't gone out so I kicked the door in and then I saw you lying so still and lifeless on the floor; covered in blood. I thought you were dead and went to check if you had a pulse when suddenly you regained consciousness for a few minutes and then you lost consciousness again so I called an ambulance. When they brought you here they had to operate to save your life.'

I rub my hand across my stomach and feel a large bandage across it which Jack says is covering the wound from the operation.

'And er…one more thing…' he says, he seems rather embarrassed, 'before you lost consciousness you told me you loved me. What exactly did you mean by that?'

'I meant that in a purely platonic way, I can assure you, Jack. Look, I thought I was gonna I die roight and I just wanted you to know 'ow much I appreciate you being the father figure I never 'ad an' looking out for me.'

'Ah! I thought you might have meant something else,' he confesses, still looking rather embarrassed.

'Come on Jack! You know I ain't that way inclined!'

'Yeah I know besides I think I'm way too old for you, anyway.'

'Oh I don't know I like the older men,' I joke.

Then we both laugh and Jack smiles probably because it's the first time he has seen me laugh in along time.

'Well I best be going and letting you get some rest,' he suddenly says, 'I'll see you tomorrow evening.'

'Yer see ya, guv.'

As soon as he leaves I drift of into a deep slumber and for the first time in weeks I don't have nightmares about Delaney.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I am awoken by the sound of a briefcase being lowered to floor. When I open my eyes I am aware of two things. The first thing is that it is now morning. The second is that there is someone sitting beside my bed that I thought I would never have to see again….

…Doctor Cassandra Gleeson, my counsellor from three years ago; she counselled me after the rape.

'Wot are you doing 'ere?' I ask.

'The doctors here at St. Hughes hospital called me. They were concerned that you had tried to kill yourself and once they were made aware of medical history they called me in to offer you counselling-'

'I don't want no bloody counselling. I tried it before, after my rape, and it didn't work.'

'Well I'm afraid it's not just a case of if _you _want to this time, Mickey, you attempted suicide so your doctors think you need professional help.'

I say nothing but think that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

'So,' continues Cassandra, 'I wish to begin the sessions as soon as you get out of the hospital. The sooner we start the better, Mickey.'

I roll my eyes.

'I'm here to help you, Mickey,' she adds.

I've heard that one before and all but realise that I have no alternative option but to take the bloody counselling sessions.

'Yer ok then,' I reply.

I know I'm going to regret this.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One week later I am pulling up, in my car, outside of Doctor Cassandra's practice. Taking a deep breath, as if somehow it will prepare me for what is about to come, I lock the car and then make my way into the reception area.

The receptionist is bright and cheery as she tells me to take a seat in the waiting area if only the same could be said for me. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach churning as I wait. How long is this going to take anyway?

Eventually I am summoned into Doctor Cassandra's room. The room is typical of all these kind of places; white-washed walls with no character or soul. A desk top with a computer in the corner. There is still much else in the room except for two chairs with slightly thread-bare seats. Doctor Cassandra gestures that I should sit on one of these chairs. I do so. She sits upon the other, which is opposite mine. We sit in silence, me hunched over myself, for a few minutes before she says:

'Don't look so frightened, Mickey, I'm here to help you not scorn you.'

What if I don't want help?

'Yeah I know,' I reply, meekly.

'Do you want to tell me about?'

Not really but I guess I have to.

'I just…' I begin, groping about in my mind for the right words, 'I dunno where to begin.'

'Start at the beginning,' says Doctor Cassandra, grabbing a notepad and pen to jot down everything I say. 'What was happening prior to you attempting suicide?'

'Well I'd just finished with my girlfriend, Mia, cos I discovered she had been cheating on me wiv me boss.'

'That must have been hard for you to take.'

'In a way, yeah, but in another I felt relieved.'

'Why do you think that was, Mickey?'

'I dunno. Fink it might 'ave been cos ever since the rape every girl I've ever got close to 'as treated me different as soon as they 'ave found out about the rape.'

'In what way?'

'Well they treat me like a victim; someone who should be treated with pity an' concern an' it's not just 'em that's like that its people at work too. It makes me feel like I ain't normal, as if I'm _wrong _somehow.'

'In what way does it make you feel wrong, Mickey?'

'Dunno. Just makes me feel dirty. After I discovered Mia cheating on me I thought it was cos I was dirty an' so I began to clean myself in the shower at 'ome every night, religiously, after work. Then I knew that wasn't working so I thought the only way to stop the pain and the hurt was to end it all cos even after all this time the pain an' the suffering hasn't gone away.'

There is silence for a few minutes and then Doctor Cassandra says:

'I believe you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You can recover from this, Mickey; you just have to believe in yourself and I am willing to help you because you are worth it.'

I say nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **Sorry about the long wait for this chapter. Been a bit busy other the past months with exams. Hopefully now the hols are here I should be able to get more chapters written and uploaded for you to read.

Also thanks to Smicky, webbswoman and everyone else who has left reviews. It's all greatly appreciated and all your comments are so encouraging. Hope you all enjoy this chapter:

Chapter 5

'So how'd it go?' Jack asks a soon as I arrive for work the next morning.

''Ow'd what go? I ask.

'The counselling,' he replies, eager for an answer to his question.

'Ok I guess. The counsellor reckons I 'ave some kinda Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.'

'Well I don't think I can argue with that,' says Jack, 'and neither can you, Mickey.'

He's right for as much as I think counselling is a big waste of time. The counsellor was right: the rape has definitely traumatised me. I just didn't want to admit to it before. All this begs the question:

'Delaney – 'e knew didn't 'e, guv?'

'Knew what, Mickey?' asks Jack, a little puzzled.

'He knew exactly what 'e was doing. What the effect on me would be when he raped me an' how that effect would still be there years after the rape itself was over. 'E wanted that power; that control that a rapist 'as over their victim an' I let 'im 'ave it when he raped me!'

I can feel the tears falling down my face. I rub at them with the back of my hand but to no avail as it just makes them stronger.

'I let 'im rape me, Jack, I'm dirty an' weak an' suffering still an' all because I wasn't strong enough to stop 'im doing _that _to me.'

'No, Mickey, none of this was ever your fault,' says Jack as he holds me close and tries to comfort me.

All I can do is sob on his chest.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I am, once again, sitting in Doctor Cassandra's office. After getting through the pleasantries we sit in silence for a few minutes. Suddenly she says:

'How have you been since the last time are last appointment?'

'Ok…. I guess.'

'I'm going to need just a _little _more information than that, I'm afraid, Mickey.'

'I don't know. I'm kinda feeling angry with myself.'

'Why is that, do you think?'

'I dunno…when you said I was suffering from Post Traumatic Disorder-'

'-Yes what about it?'

'It's just I realised then that Delaney knew exactly what he was doing when he raped me. He knew the psychological damage that he was inflicting on me as well as the physical and I should have known that and shouldn't have went after him alone…the rape it was all _my _fault because, as a police officer, I should have realised that the evil bastard was disturbed in the 'ead an' should've been approached 'im with caution.'

'Mickey, you are a police officer not a criminal profiler you didn't know he was going to do what he did,' Doctor Cassandra tries to reassure me, 'and, as a police officer, I am sure you know that rape is never the victim's fault.'

I, however, am not convinced.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When I arrive at work, later that day, there is only one other person in CID: DI Sam Nixon. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since I returned to work after my failed suicide attempt and so the first thing she says is:

'Oh God, Mickey!! Are you ok?'

Ok now is the time to admit that I'm rather taken aback by Sam's concern because it's uncharacteristic for her to show concern like this. I'm not saying the woman is a cold-hearted bitch because she isn't it's just that normally she's detached. That's what makes her such a good officer.

'Yeah I'm fine, guv,' I reply.

'I'm sorry.'

'Sorry? Sorry for what, guv?'

'For not removing you from the case despite the direction it was taking and the obvious emotional effect that was having on you.'

'It wasn't your fault, guv, it was my own. When I discovered the body and realised what 'ad 'appned I should've requested to be removed from the case instead of going to DCI Meadows and demanding I remain apart of the investigation. Still I've learnt my lesson from that one: next time if somefing like that comes up again and I'm working on it I'll ask Jack to remove me from it straight away.'

As soon as Sam has gone the phone on my desk rings I pick it up and, in a cheery voice, answer it.

'Hello DC Mickey Webb here-'

'Hello, DC Webb, how are you? Have you been missing me?' A sadistic, Scottish accented voice says.

I feel the hairs rise on the back of my neck as I realise whom the owner of the voice is.

'Delaney,' I say back, ''ow and why are you calling me, you sick bastard?'

'Ah'm calling you from the phone box at Longmarsh prison; just a wee courteously call to let you know that Ah'll be out soon, tomorrow morning in fact, getting parole for good behaviour an' the first thing Ah'm gonna do when I get out is hold you in my arms again. I've missed your sexy body so much.'

I'm shaking now but, despite that, I'm still going to shout down the phone:

'Keep the hell away from me. I mean you come anywhere near me when you get out and I'll have you arrested for harassment.'

'That's a bit harsh isn't it, Mickey? What did I ever do to you?'

What did you ever do to me? Oh nothing except rape me you sick bastard but before I can voice my thoughts I hear a beep, like that of money running out, down the phone and Delaney has gone.

I instantly drop to the floor. Free. Delaney's going to free. By this time tomorrow Martin Delaney will be a free man hunting me down like some dog after a fox and then, when he finds me, doing God knows what. Oh God I'm so scared.


End file.
